Meeting someone new, either a chance encounter at a workshop, on the dance floor, or an intentional “chemistry check” from an online connection, is titillating. Our brain chemistry and body hormones can wake up in an instant, sending our antennae into alert. Who is this person? What is this?
Different parts of ourselves that respond to the meeting of this new person will hold information for us. Did your mind open up to curiosity and potential? Did you feel your heart ring out? Or your sexual organs enliven?
Then it is time to part. You return to your home space and sit with the connection.
The space in between the connection is a juicy, ripe opportunity to get to know yourself and see what is being called out as an experience for you in the meeting of this new person or a deepening of an existing relationship. This space will take on multi-facets, sometimes calming and centering, sometimes frenetic and anxious. The inevitable distance is an important part of the dance of connection. It is the ebb and flow of intimacy.
Allow all of it into your conscious awareness. It is medicine wisdom for where you stand right now in relationship to yourself. How much distance can you tolerate before you want to distract, disengage or feel feelings of doubt, anger or relief?
Notice what happens in between contact.
How do you experience the gap?
In an established relationship, notice how each of you navigates the time away from each other. After a deep experience of intimacy, either through heart-felt talking or making love, what happens next? How long until you re-engage? Who wants contact first?
Go in closer to this experience of space.
- Where do you go?
- Do you know what you need in these moments from yourself or the other?
- What flavor does the fluttering of your heart take on?
- Are you “waiting” for something? For your lover to make the next move? Or for your own internal impulse and timing to act?
- What dreams, daydreams, fantasies or recurring thoughts run through your head?
Many need space to recalibrate, integrate or breathe and to reflect on how the experience affected them. This space can be a sweet reprieve from focusing energy outwards to renewing energy inwards.
Read on to learn how to use this precious time to increase your spiritual awareness and growth!
I have a client who always has an initial dream about a new person she is dating. During one such dream, she revisited an old dream theme with a new twist. In her early adulthood, she had a mortifying recurring dream of pooping in public. Despite her aversion to this subject, she forged ahead in discussing possible meanings. She realized that these dreams were about her releasing deep shame around her ultimate lovability and allowing all of herself to be acceptable to others. We came to see these dreams as celebrations of her creations, much like a parent of a young toddler would clap for a nice “plop” in the little training potty.
When this dream theme resurfaced after meeting a new man, we became very curious as to what her unconscious was telling her. In the new dream, she wakes in her bed to find poop smeared around her walls. She is shocked and revolted and looks for signs of an intruder, because this was not possibly something SHE would do! Her new lover wakes up and comes out to find her cleaning. He tells her gently and firmly that he will finish the cleaning and that she can go back to bed. He competently and lovingly wipes the walls and disposes of the garbage.
What a beautiful and evocative dreamtime message for this client to receive. While there are many layers to this dream, she saw how this new person in her life was very loving, competent and generous. A very graphic dream to illustrate my point about what signs and symbols our unconscious and the divine will bring to us about what is being activated in us around this new person.
Rather than seeing it all as a jumbled mess of “shit,” I invite you to sit with your dreams, fantasies and lingering thoughts.
Many teachers stress the need for a meditation practice. I like to begin my clients with a contemplation practice, which builds confidence and will allow for a quieting of the mind. After a period of contemplation, the mind will settle down into a more emptying out meditation practice.
Through contemplation, we are able to integrate our experiences with ourselves and our dating/loving/relating partners. Integration is key to allowing us to open up more fully to what stands in the way of love and what is being called in to heal. Divine wisdom can help us navigate our experiences through a contemplation practice.
Integration occurs through:
- Quiet time alone
- Increasing internal self-awareness through a contemplation practice
- Reflection/witnessing from our closest friends, therapists, coaches and teachers
How to create a contemplation practice:
- Sit down in stillness to listen to what wants to come to your attention
- Watch your thoughts as they appear and meander
- Do not try to stop your mind, as you may do in meditation
- Purposefully open up your field of awareness to take in even “random” thoughts
- Start with 10 minutes/day, increasing the time until you sit and “listen” for as long as it takes to feel complete
- Ask for dreams, signs and symbols from your Higher Self/Divine
- Be patient with the process, do not rush awareness
- If your mind goes to a to-do list, keep paper by your side to write down the items
- Allow any feelings to flow up and out, not stifling or judging them as less evolved or wrong
- Bravely write down your feelings and experiences without censoring or needing to understand
You can really see how your mind-body-spirit will give you important messages through this contemplation practice around how you feel at a heart-level and what you need from yourself and others around you. You will come to treasure the higher wisdom available through this practice. Remember integration and contemplation is a process! It will take time, which is why SPACE and spaciousness are so vital to the conscious creation of a lasting, healing, passionate love connection. Through increasing your own awareness and self-acceptance, you will increase vital energy and open up to new expanded versions of your Highest Self.
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